Time slowing down, report says

A table of notable Stanford luminaries declared this afternoon that time is officially slowing down. A follow up study by two Stanford scientists confirmed the report, and found a direct link between time slowing down and global climate change.

Junior M. Thomas James was the first to note the phenomenon.

“Lecture just took fucking forever this morning,” James said. “The only possible explanation I could think of was that time was slowing down.”

William Peterson, a junior, also pointed out that the increasing slowness of time had led to the overcooking of Ricker Dining’s famous chocolate chip cookies.

Ricker Dining Manager Mary Dutch confirmed time slowing down as the culprit.

“I set the oven for the same 45 minutes as I always do,” Dutch said. “But because time is actually slowing down, the cookies cooked longer and ended up being a little overbaked.”

Not all the side effects of time slowing down were negative, however.

“I got a less-than-ideal eight hours of sleep last night,” junior Nicolai Schlag said. “But I feel really refreshed. It must be because time is slowing down.”

A joint study between Stanford’s Hopkins Marine Center and Linear Accelerator Center confirmed the table’s report, found an inextricable link between time slowing down and global warming.

Stanford scientists Brandon Cortez and Shimon Kolkowitz, a biologist and physicist, respectively, issued a joint statement on their findings.

“Based on the most accurate scientific evidence ever found, we were forced to conclude that not only is time slowing down, but global warming is at fault,” the pair said. “We found that because the earth is heating up, it is slowing its rotation in order to compensate by creating less air friction. We don’t know what mechanism is actually slowing down the earth’s rotation, but it must be intelligently designed.”